So it’s been a while since the last report I posted here and I’m just going to warn anyone reading this that this is likely going to be really long. This is also going to be the last/final report I’ll be posting here regarding my transition, significant recent events, and any relevant topics pertaining to said transition. So without further ado let’s begin.
In my previous post I talked about coming out to my family and my job. Things seemed to be going well with my family after the initial shock settled. However, recently things have taken a rough turn. There was continual tensions and discomfort that never really seemed to lift itself from my family over my transition. This all kind of reached a boiling point on 2/13/16.
On 2/13/16 I invited my dad out to see a movie with me since we are both comicbook movie buffs (the movie of course being Deadpool). All goes well with the planning phase and soon enough we arrive at the theater. After some idling around trying to get snacks and whatnot we headed into the theater where we found our seats. Note that this particular theater had assigned seating. We find our seats and we’re sitting there watching all the crappy advertisement before the trailers start rolling when all the sudden a couple approaches us. The couple claimed that we were in their seats. Not one to deny a simple accident I pulled out my ticket and investigated it to see if my dad and I were indeed in error in choosing our seats. Lo and behold we were but no big deal right? So my dad and I get up and try to find our actual seats. We come to realize that we accidentally selected seats that were in the very front of the theater (aka the seats you have to break your neck back in order to watch the movie). Well this is a huge problem because my dad has a bad neck and simply can’t physically sit that close to the screen comfortably. So we head out into the lobby and find customer service. This is where things get really bad for me on a personal level.
My dad decides somehow that he’s going to do all the talking to the theater representative. So as he starts explaining the situation to the lady at the counter he constantly starts referring to me as “he” and “him” and all manner of male pronouns ((keep in mind that I’m the real me and look like a female while this unfolds)). It literally got so bad that I started pinching him to get his attention. I must have been bright red with embarrassment by this point. I literally had the feeling of being singled out and like the room was shrinking all around me. I felt sick inside and like a panic was overcoming me. It was horrible to experience and I felt helpless. Even after getting his attention he continued to do it. As far as the tickets were concerned it turned out they couldn’t refund or exchange the tickets. The best they could do was give us a free pass for another time.
So after being embarrassed beyond all comprehension we got our free passes and headed to the parking lot. As we walked out into the lot my dad starts having a tantrum about how he refuses to “walk on eggshells” around me and essentially turned everything into him being the victim despite the fact that I was the one being ousted and humiliated. This just further destroyed me on the inside. I eventually snapped and told my father he could walk himself home ((he was dropped off by my mother while I had driven myself in my own car)). He angrily retorted with “FINE!” and we parted ways. When I got to my car I just exploded in a torrent of tears unlike ever before. As I drove home I contemplated driving into oncoming traffic just to end it all because I was that ruined. You’ll have to bear in mind that my dad and I had been like best friends up until I started transitioning and I love him beyond words. Also this whole experience is hard to articulate in a way that would actually truly put you (the reader) in my shoes so to speak. So it goes without saying that I was devastated, hurt, and all but dead inside after this all unfolded. Somehow I managed to make it home in one piece and I basically just cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately this wasn’t the end of it for me.
When I awoke I found my phone bombarded with all manner of various angry text from my older brother and my mom. This just restarted the emotional torment for me and first thing in the morning no less. I didn’t even bother defending myself. Instead I simply deleted everything in my inbox and tried once again to rally my fleeting will to live. Eventually I’d explain the events of the night everything went down to my brother but alas I don’t think it mattered much to him. He never cared for my “choice” to transition and is rather quick to side with my parents on pretty much anything. But this pretty much concludes the recent chapter of my family life in regards to how things have been going. Since everything went down I haven’t really spoken to my parents; it’s just too painful anymore. However, some good did manage to come out of this horrible period.
The following morning after my dad and I had our “fight” and after I cleaned out my phone I decided to aimlessly wander around on Facebook. There was a rave/EDM (Electronic Dance Music) show coming to my city in the not to distance future at the time and I happen to catch a post from someone whom was going to the show. The post said that the DJs/Artist were hosting a meet n’ greet on the night of the show. I decided to jump in and make myself known so that when the night came around I could participate in this meet n’ greet. ((Backstory – I’ve always loved EDM and I’ve had long standing aspirations to get into the actual scene. However I didn’t want to until I was the real me)). Little did I know that this simple act on my part was about to trust me into a whole new world. A world I knew existed and had been searching for but had no luck finding. It turned out that the individual whom posted about this meet n’ greet was actually a part of an “EDM/rave/festival family” that existed right under my nose in my home city. She personally invited me into this family and of course I humbly accepted. I’ve currently been to a total of 3 EDM shows. Ever since I entered into this family I’ve been filling my calendar with as many shows as possible as I attempt to make this year the first time I really live my life to the fullest as my true real self. Speaking of the real me…
As far as my transition is going I’d say everything is coming along pretty well. The facial hair removal is still an ongoing process as is to be expected with this sort of thing. I definitely have a lot more bald patches on my face now compared to the last report I posted. My body has continued to change due to the hormones. I’m honestly really happy with my body now and I’m proud of the form it has taken since beginning my journey. Apparently I’m passing so well as a biological female that even other transwomen aren’t able to tell I’m trans, even after interacting with me face to face. I literally had to tell a newly acquired friend whom is trans herself that I myself was trans to. Her jaw hit the floor as she literally had no idea lol. So I guess that’s a good thing for me. It definitely was a confidence booster.
Another topic I mentioned in my previous report was my boyfriend Mike. Sadly I can’t say everything has gone smoothly since then. Mike and I continued to soar as a couple into late December but once January came around things took a sharp turn for the worst. Unfortunately the story is way too long a too complicated to cover in this post. What I can say though is that we had a huge fight that basically undid everything we had built relationshipwise up to that point. And to my disgust it was actually all my fault. I basically said some things I shouldn’t have said while I was really drunk which inadvertently brought a side of me to light that no one really knew about, including Mike. I was an alcoholic. Noticed I say “was” as I have since remedied this part of me. Unfortunately that wasn’t the only issue brought to the surface.
You see I’ve been battling a very dark, persistent, severe depression for many years now. I ended up cutting again for the first time in over 10 years. I know it’s a silly and pointless thing to do but I’ve finally reached a point where the voice of logic, reason, and rationality is impossible to hear anymore. In December Mike and I hung out and I had cut my wrist/arm the night before. He ended up seeing the cuts and it really derailed him. Ever since then he’s been struggling with the fact that I myself am struggling on such a serious level. I don’t blame him of course. The way he described it was “I love you and I want to protect you for all harm. But how do I protect you from you”. So that’s part of this whole mess I’ve put us in. And granted SOME of this depression has been lifted due to finally being able to be the real me. But despite all the good my transition has done for me this depression still haunts me and I fear it may be getting worse. I’m not sure what to do either considering I’ve carried this with me for so long and nothing ever seems to help. Mike and I our still a “thing” but our official title of boyfriend/girlfriend has been put “on hold”. I actually just saw him the other day. He and I are just trying to focus on making sure I’m consistently getting better both physically and emotionally while simultaneously working on “us” as our relationship recovers.
I apologize for all the depressing stuff but this is pretty much the sum of the past few months for me. Once again I just want to thank all of you for your support and interest in these posts. As usual attached to this will be some pictures for what is hopefully your viewing pleasure. Take care!
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In my previous post I talked about coming out to my family and my job. Things seemed to be going well with my family after the initial shock settled. However, recently things have taken a rough turn. There was continual tensions and discomfort that never really seemed to lift itself from my family over my transition. This all kind of reached a boiling point on 2/13/16.
On 2/13/16 I invited my dad out to see a movie with me since we are both comicbook movie buffs (the movie of course being Deadpool). All goes well with the planning phase and soon enough we arrive at the theater. After some idling around trying to get snacks and whatnot we headed into the theater where we found our seats. Note that this particular theater had assigned seating. We find our seats and we’re sitting there watching all the crappy advertisement before the trailers start rolling when all the sudden a couple approaches us. The couple claimed that we were in their seats. Not one to deny a simple accident I pulled out my ticket and investigated it to see if my dad and I were indeed in error in choosing our seats. Lo and behold we were but no big deal right? So my dad and I get up and try to find our actual seats. We come to realize that we accidentally selected seats that were in the very front of the theater (aka the seats you have to break your neck back in order to watch the movie). Well this is a huge problem because my dad has a bad neck and simply can’t physically sit that close to the screen comfortably. So we head out into the lobby and find customer service. This is where things get really bad for me on a personal level.
My dad decides somehow that he’s going to do all the talking to the theater representative. So as he starts explaining the situation to the lady at the counter he constantly starts referring to me as “he” and “him” and all manner of male pronouns ((keep in mind that I’m the real me and look like a female while this unfolds)). It literally got so bad that I started pinching him to get his attention. I must have been bright red with embarrassment by this point. I literally had the feeling of being singled out and like the room was shrinking all around me. I felt sick inside and like a panic was overcoming me. It was horrible to experience and I felt helpless. Even after getting his attention he continued to do it. As far as the tickets were concerned it turned out they couldn’t refund or exchange the tickets. The best they could do was give us a free pass for another time.
So after being embarrassed beyond all comprehension we got our free passes and headed to the parking lot. As we walked out into the lot my dad starts having a tantrum about how he refuses to “walk on eggshells” around me and essentially turned everything into him being the victim despite the fact that I was the one being ousted and humiliated. This just further destroyed me on the inside. I eventually snapped and told my father he could walk himself home ((he was dropped off by my mother while I had driven myself in my own car)). He angrily retorted with “FINE!” and we parted ways. When I got to my car I just exploded in a torrent of tears unlike ever before. As I drove home I contemplated driving into oncoming traffic just to end it all because I was that ruined. You’ll have to bear in mind that my dad and I had been like best friends up until I started transitioning and I love him beyond words. Also this whole experience is hard to articulate in a way that would actually truly put you (the reader) in my shoes so to speak. So it goes without saying that I was devastated, hurt, and all but dead inside after this all unfolded. Somehow I managed to make it home in one piece and I basically just cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately this wasn’t the end of it for me.
When I awoke I found my phone bombarded with all manner of various angry text from my older brother and my mom. This just restarted the emotional torment for me and first thing in the morning no less. I didn’t even bother defending myself. Instead I simply deleted everything in my inbox and tried once again to rally my fleeting will to live. Eventually I’d explain the events of the night everything went down to my brother but alas I don’t think it mattered much to him. He never cared for my “choice” to transition and is rather quick to side with my parents on pretty much anything. But this pretty much concludes the recent chapter of my family life in regards to how things have been going. Since everything went down I haven’t really spoken to my parents; it’s just too painful anymore. However, some good did manage to come out of this horrible period.
The following morning after my dad and I had our “fight” and after I cleaned out my phone I decided to aimlessly wander around on Facebook. There was a rave/EDM (Electronic Dance Music) show coming to my city in the not to distance future at the time and I happen to catch a post from someone whom was going to the show. The post said that the DJs/Artist were hosting a meet n’ greet on the night of the show. I decided to jump in and make myself known so that when the night came around I could participate in this meet n’ greet. ((Backstory – I’ve always loved EDM and I’ve had long standing aspirations to get into the actual scene. However I didn’t want to until I was the real me)). Little did I know that this simple act on my part was about to trust me into a whole new world. A world I knew existed and had been searching for but had no luck finding. It turned out that the individual whom posted about this meet n’ greet was actually a part of an “EDM/rave/festival family” that existed right under my nose in my home city. She personally invited me into this family and of course I humbly accepted. I’ve currently been to a total of 3 EDM shows. Ever since I entered into this family I’ve been filling my calendar with as many shows as possible as I attempt to make this year the first time I really live my life to the fullest as my true real self. Speaking of the real me…
As far as my transition is going I’d say everything is coming along pretty well. The facial hair removal is still an ongoing process as is to be expected with this sort of thing. I definitely have a lot more bald patches on my face now compared to the last report I posted. My body has continued to change due to the hormones. I’m honestly really happy with my body now and I’m proud of the form it has taken since beginning my journey. Apparently I’m passing so well as a biological female that even other transwomen aren’t able to tell I’m trans, even after interacting with me face to face. I literally had to tell a newly acquired friend whom is trans herself that I myself was trans to. Her jaw hit the floor as she literally had no idea lol. So I guess that’s a good thing for me. It definitely was a confidence booster.
Another topic I mentioned in my previous report was my boyfriend Mike. Sadly I can’t say everything has gone smoothly since then. Mike and I continued to soar as a couple into late December but once January came around things took a sharp turn for the worst. Unfortunately the story is way too long a too complicated to cover in this post. What I can say though is that we had a huge fight that basically undid everything we had built relationshipwise up to that point. And to my disgust it was actually all my fault. I basically said some things I shouldn’t have said while I was really drunk which inadvertently brought a side of me to light that no one really knew about, including Mike. I was an alcoholic. Noticed I say “was” as I have since remedied this part of me. Unfortunately that wasn’t the only issue brought to the surface.
You see I’ve been battling a very dark, persistent, severe depression for many years now. I ended up cutting again for the first time in over 10 years. I know it’s a silly and pointless thing to do but I’ve finally reached a point where the voice of logic, reason, and rationality is impossible to hear anymore. In December Mike and I hung out and I had cut my wrist/arm the night before. He ended up seeing the cuts and it really derailed him. Ever since then he’s been struggling with the fact that I myself am struggling on such a serious level. I don’t blame him of course. The way he described it was “I love you and I want to protect you for all harm. But how do I protect you from you”. So that’s part of this whole mess I’ve put us in. And granted SOME of this depression has been lifted due to finally being able to be the real me. But despite all the good my transition has done for me this depression still haunts me and I fear it may be getting worse. I’m not sure what to do either considering I’ve carried this with me for so long and nothing ever seems to help. Mike and I our still a “thing” but our official title of boyfriend/girlfriend has been put “on hold”. I actually just saw him the other day. He and I are just trying to focus on making sure I’m consistently getting better both physically and emotionally while simultaneously working on “us” as our relationship recovers.
I apologize for all the depressing stuff but this is pretty much the sum of the past few months for me. Once again I just want to thank all of you for your support and interest in these posts. As usual attached to this will be some pictures for what is hopefully your viewing pleasure. Take care!
